Under siege

I have to remember to shut the kitchen door as soon as it gets dark now.  There's not just one anymore.  I swear I'll wake up one morning and find a whole crew of them lined up on the end of the bed looking at me.

What?

Hedgehogs. That's what.

As well as the enormous one I was telling you all about the other night, there's also a smaller one.  The smaller one is not very bright. It turned up in the middle of the day the other day - snuffling along - it ambled out of nowhere into the conservatory as I was sitting with my afternoon coffee.  Completely ignoring me it went straight into the kitchen and tried to force its way into a gap under the kitchen cupboards about the size of a matchbox.
Maybe it thinks it's an octopus? Did you know an octopus, regardless of its size can squeeze through any hole large enough to fit its beak (the only solid part of an octopus) through? <shivers> This is not true for hedgehogs. 

Anyway hedgehogs in the kitchen are disgusting.  (They're riddled with disease you know) And there was this one with its nose wedged under the pot cupboard door.  I wasn't sure how I would move it, and whether it had got any of its spines through and if they would act like the barb on an arrow or a fish-hook and the thing  would be stuck there forever.  I didn't want to touch it, so I got a couple of paper towels and laid them over it.
"I'll just put these over you, stupid thing," I said.  "I hear you're riddled with disease."
It tried to force it's way further into the matchbox sized hole. The spines came straight through the napkins of course, but it wasn't stuck and I gently picked it up and took it out and put it down with its nose in the cat dish full of biscuits.
"There," I said.  "If you're going to steal food you should at least start in the right place."
It sat there immobile until I went away and then immediately scurried away behind the nearest plant pot it could find.

The big one is smarter.  It can get in the cat door and knows exacty where the pantry is.

So last night I was sitting at the computer in my wee alcove in the dining room and heard a snuffling. I looked round.  There was the same small hedgehog, coming my way...

It's just not on you know?  Hedgehogs are outside thingies. What business have they snuffling their way around the food scarce regions of a people house?

I didn't bother with paper towels this time.  I put my open palm down beside it . When it started to curl up with my other hand I rolled it onto the first. This handful was all prickles except for the soft fur of its cheek against the tip of my index finger. Once I had it I took it down the hall, through the kitchen - dodging the small trail of slimy hedgehog turds - and back outside.  That done I shut the doors and checked the open pantry to see if it had been in there.  Nothing.  Just the open bag of cat biscuits and the flour bin on the floor.

I went back to the computer.

After about five minutes I heard crunching sounds through the wall. I thought I shut that door I thought to myself and went back out to the kitchen. 
I looked in the pantry again.

There, in the shadows between the flour bin and the biscuit bag, was an enormous round shape.  I opened the door wider.  In the light I saw my original nemesis, the one from last week, one shifty brown eye regarding me.  He had to go too.  It's a bit harder picking up a larger hedghog because they're a bit more bolshey, and while the spines don't actually pierce your skin, the extra weight pushes them that bit further into your palms.  Unlike the small beastie, the big one stank.  Holding him at arm's length I put him where I had put the other one, and shut the pantry door.

And then, dry retching, I cleaned up the turds which I had been planning to ignore.

Oh they're darling little things.

and I was going to add "at this very moment there's one..." but there isn't.  It's just the cat hunting a leftover bit of steak.